Much of the work we do at The Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan has to do with accountability. We hear it all the time from our clients’ intimate partners, probation officers, parents, and employers: “Just give him accountability. All he needs is more accountability.”

But what is accountability? And can one person really give it to another?

Taking Ownership

Simply put, the foundation of accountability is to take ownership of one’s actions without minimizing or blaming another person for what one has done. When we can accept our responsibility, our part of a problem, and not make it about the situation or the actions of someone else, then we are on our way to practicing accountability.

To be fully accountable, we need to understand the impact of our behavior on others. Before we can have accountability, we must be capable of empathy. Empathy is the effort it takes to understand, to put ourselves in another’s place. To practice empathy, we have to become willing to walk in another person’s shoes, in their emotional world and current situation, in the here and now.

Truly Being Sorry

When we can see that our actions have created fear or hurt in someone else and we can acknowledge this, that person realizes more deeply that we are sorry. Saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean we actually feel the impact of what we have done. In order to truly be sorry, we must be able to “feel” what is happening for someone else. Some cultures have this built right into their language. The Spanish version of “I’m sorry” is lo siento, literally, “I feel it.”

Most men haven’t been taught to prize feelings. Instead, most have been socialized to take pride in toughness, invulnerability, and self-sufficiency and to view emotions as potential threats. Before we can ask men to be accountable for the ways in which their behavior wounds others, we must acknowledge that many men have been wounded by trying to measure up to a model of manliness that doesn’t allow them to have feelings. One that doesn’t allow them to be human, to be wounded, to empathize with others who are wounded, to screw up, or to make apologies.

Learning Acceptance

Unhealed wounds limit our ability to be accountable and empathic. So that we can start practicing empathy and accountability, many of us must first experience a greater sense of acceptance and humility within ourselves. This can be painful, especially in the beginning, since it is so easy to feel humiliated (shamed) when we become aware of our shortcomings. Yet when we are afforded opportunities—in friendships, in families, or group therapy—to see that others struggle with this, too, then we can slowly become more accepting of ourselves with our issues, whatever they are.

The Path to Healing

We are all broken and wounded to some degree. The longer we remain in a place of woundedness, the greater our chances of passing our pain on to other people. When we choose to be on a path of wrestling with and making peace with our wounds, then we are moving toward wellness. Humility becomes fuel for our ability to practice accountability and empathy. And our ability to be empathic creates deeper connections to other people, and a deeper level of accountability, which increases the likelihood of changed behavior.

No one arrives at the place of mastery or perfection in these arenas. But by embracing the lifelong journey of becoming more fully accountable, empathic, and humble, we move toward a measure of healing and wholeness, and a greater capacity for healthy and satisfying relationships.

Moving Toward Wellness

The Men’s Resource Center provides a range of counseling, coaching, and consultative services including in-person and online men’s support groups,  Each service is designed to address specific issues that affect men.  Contact us online or call us at (616) 456-1178 for more information about the programs we offer. We are here to listen.

Hear Men’s Resource Center therapists talk about the importance of accountability and how individuals in men’s support groups encourage one another through humility and empathy. Listen to the Revealing Men podcast.