The release of Randy and Zach Flood’s professional training, A New Clinical Paradigm for Men’s Mental Health, by PESI UK*, is a significant milestone for everyone at the Men’s Resource Center. PESI UK is one of the world’s leading providers of continuing education for mental health professionals. “To think that work we developed over many years in a men’s counseling center here in West Michigan can now be shared with clinicians around the world is both exciting and humbling,” Randy says. Preparing the course invited him to reflect on the philosophy that has underscored the work of the Men’s Resource Center for more than 25 years. “What exactly have we been doing all these years? Not just what techniques have we used. Not what groups have we offered. Not what theories have influenced us. … What ties it all together?” This reflection opened him to the realization that although helping men reclaim their emotions is foundational to the Center’s work, there’s more to the story. Through all they do, the Men’s Resource Center teaches men to integrate their emotional life in the way they think, relate, lead, parent, work, and love. Randy refers to this overarching concept as “relational wisdom.”
Healthy adults don’t choose between thinking and feeling. They integrate them.
Reclaiming Thoughtfulness
In this segment of the Revealing Men podcast (available on Apple Podcast and Spotify), Randy introduces the framework for developing relational wisdom. “Wisdom can sometimes sound abstract,” he says. “People imagine professors or philosophers. I’m talking about something much more practical. [It’s] about the ability to think, feel, and act in ways that strengthen relationships with yourself and with the important people in your life. Those relationships, Randy explains, don’t have simple or formulaic answers. They require discernment, humility, self-awareness, and the capacity to hold competing values and competing truths without rushing to one side or the other.
Randy invites anyone interested in human growth, healthy relationships, and what it means to live wisely to participate in this discussion around what he calls the five capacities of relational wisdom. “I’ve discovered that these ideas become clearer through conversation,” he adds. “I fully expect these capacities to continue evolving as I teach them, discuss them with colleagues, and hear your feedback.”
The question isn’t which truth wins. The question is how we discern their proper application. And that’s where I believe wisdom begins.
The Five Capacities of Relational Wisdom
- Holding Opposite Truths – Tolerating complexity and staying with tension long enough to respond thoughtfully instead of reactively. Recognizing that seemingly competing truths can each be valid.
- Contextual Thinking – Understanding that the right response depends on the specific person, relationship, and situation. Context matters. Relationships matter. Development matters. History matters. Culture matters.
- Developmental Thinking – Recognizing that people are continually growing and need different kinds of support at different stages. One of the mistakes we make as human beings is assuming that everyone should respond the same way because they fall into a similar category.
- Integration – (In many ways, the heartbeat of the Men’s Resource Center.) Bringing together emotions, reason, values, responsibility, identity, and relationships instead of living from only one part of oneself. Additionally, learning to be a part of and apart from another person while managing the tension in that.
- Discernment – If the other four capacities provide the raw materials, discernment is what brings them together. It applies values wisely by asking, “What does this situation require of me?” Discernment recognizes that situations and relationships are dynamic, yet they have to be integrated into our moral foundations and spiritual practices, life changes, and changes in circumstance.
Emotional health is ultimately in the service of something larger. It is in the service of becoming better partners, better friends, better human beings.
Continuing to Learn, Grow, and Integrate
“Wisdom,” says Randy, “isn’t about having the right answers. ….I’ve become less interested in certainty over the years and more interested in discernment. Less interested in winning arguments and more interested in understanding people. Less interested in asking who’s right and more interested in asking what’s needed. That doesn’t mean truth becomes relative. It means that applying truth wisely requires humility, curiosity, and a willingness to keep learning…. Perhaps that’s the best definition of wisdom I can offer,” he muses. “Remaining willing to integrate both our heads and our hearts as we continue growing throughout life.”
If you’d like to learn more about the mission of the Men’s Resource Center, its professional training programs, or its extensive counseling and consultation services (both online and in person), call them at 616-456-1178 or connect online. To be a part of the wider conversation around relational wisdom, comment on the Revealing Men Facebook page, this article, or reach out directly to the Men’s Resource Center.
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