As host of the Revealing Men podcast, psychotherapist Randy Flood interviews a variety of experts who focus on men and their inner lives; what they are least likely to show to the people around them or even acknowledge to themselves. For this segment, Flood speaks directly to his audience about what he sees as an ongoing masculine identity crisis in the United States.
In a time when men are disproportionately impacted by loneliness and are nearly four times more likely to die by suicide than are women Flood, director and co-founder of the Men’s Resource Center, notes that “men are still far less likely to seek mental health support.” He calls it “a little bit ironic or paradoxical that the one you would think that’s in the greatest need, they would be moving toward counseling agencies, in droves.” But they’re not.
So then, what stops men from seeking the help they need? Flood seeks to provide answers and encouragement. He invites his listeners to elevate awareness, conversation, and care about the full well-being of men, including their emotional, mental, relational, and spiritual health.
Listen to the full segment of this Revealing Men podcast on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher. Excerpts follow below (edited for length and clarity). You can also read more of what Flood has to say on this topic on the Fountain Hill Center blog.
Men’s Aversion to Seeking Help
Women are the primary consumers of mental health support because it doesn’t go against being a woman to ask for help. But there’s something in the fabric of masculinity that makes it hard for men to seek mental health support. I don’t think men trust it. Some think it’s not masculine to need others. Others believe therapy is only for the broken. But here’s the truth: Therapy doesn’t make you less of a man. It helps you become more of the man you were meant to be. More grounded, more awake, even just more human.
Masculine Identity is in Crisis
I think we’re in transition. We spent decades pushing back against a rigid and often harmful version of masculinity. You know the one: don’t cry, don’t talk about your feelings, don’t show weakness. That all needed to go and, in many ways, we’ve made progress. But in that progress, I think some men have felt shame simply for being male. They’ve been told that their instincts, their assertiveness, their ambition are somehow dangerous or toxic.
And I think that some men have responded by retreating into passivity, and being the nice guy, and just trying to go along to get along. And they lose themselves in that maladaptation as well. Others grow resentful and search around looking for answers as to how they can be significant in this world that seems to be coming more multicultural and [where] gender is more fluid.
And now many men are tuning into this so-called “manisphere.” Voices that say that “woke” culture is trying to emasculate them. The manisphere is speaking to the more resentful men, and they turn to wanting a more retrograde masculinity …. Men are being drawn toward a retrograde masculinity because it feels, I think, familiar, but it doesn’t help them grow. It traps them in old patterns. I don’t think we need to erase masculinity; I just think we need to upgrade it.
Upgrading Masculinity – It’s Good Work
We can keep the strength. We can keep the fire. But we need to evolve. We need to build on it. We need more emotional fluency and a greater capacity for empathy. A willingness to self-reflect. We need to see relationship skills as just that: skills. Something to develop and work on. It takes discipline, and practice, and maintenance. And we gotta have courage to do that and the resilience to endure it, because it is work, but good work.
So this masculine upgrade is an invitation to rise, not regress; to integrate, not fragment; to optimize, not apologize for our existence because masculinity in itself is not toxic. We don’t apologize for being men, but we do take responsibility for the times we’ve harmed, disappointed, or stayed silent when we should have spoken up. We carry the weight of what men have done in the name of patriarchy, and we meet it with accountability, not denial and not defensiveness. We let go of shame for simply being male, but we honor the guilt that calls us to repair, to grow, and to lead differently.
It’s about reclaiming it as a force for good in our lives and in the world. When men embrace this upgraded version of masculinity, they become better partners, better fathers, better leaders, and more fulfilled human beings.
The Masculinity Workout
You know, we work out our bodies. We practice skills at work. We get continued education. We go to faith communities to work on our spiritual fitness, but there’s something about emotional fitness that we seem to think just comes naturally or it’s not necessary.
We don’t look at practices such as going to therapy, journaling, meditation, or being involved in a men’s group like gyms or fitness for our inner life. …. Seeing therapy or counseling as this gym to figure out how to show up when life gets hard.
And yeah, just as you experience emotional or physical pain from working out in the gym, sometimes we face hard realities when we look in the mirror and we go into counseling and start looking into our past and sometimes it can be painful. But there is growth in that pain and in that struggle.
I’ve seen men build that kind of strength and endurance, the kind that’s quiet, grounded, steady. It’s not always the loudest guy in the room. It’s the one who knows who he is when no one’s watching. It’s a man of integrity.
Coming into One’s Own
At the Men’s Resource Center, I get to witness that transformation firsthand, and it is quite something. The men I see in our counseling groups, I’ve watched step into the work courageously, and vulnerably, and begin to make the kind of inner shifts that ripple out into their lives.
And that brings us to three essential questions I think every man must answer and in the right order: Who am I? Where am I going? And who’s coming with me? When we answer those out of order; when we start by chasing relationships or following others without knowing ourselves first, we end up lost. We walk someone else’s path, live someone else’s life, and lose our chance to live authentically.
Carl Jung once said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” It just kind of works in the background as an operating system that you don’t see, but it’s there, and it needs to become more conscious. And that’s what we do in therapy. That kind of self-discovery is the foundation for everything else. It’s how we show up for those we love and how we reclaim our power from the inside out.
Upgrade Your Masculinity
I invite you to pause and ask, “What version of masculinity am I living? Is it one that serves my highest self, or is it one I inherited that no longer fits?” Mental health isn’t a luxury, it’s a discipline, it’s a daily practice, and it’s available to all of us. You don’t have to do it alone. And I don’t think you were meant to.
If you need a hand with this journey, that’s okay. At the Men’s Resource Center, we offer men’s support groups where men come together, collaborate, and talk about their lives. The groups offer a safe space in which to be honest and real. These, as well as our counseling and therapy services, are provided online and in person. Wherever you are, there are places that can provide assistance to help you live a better life. Contact the Men’s Resource Center online or call 616-456-1178 for more information about how you can set your life on a more fulfilling path.
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