Al Heystek and Brian Mulder are two leading therapists in the Transformations Toward a Healthy Sexuality program at the Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan. There, they lead and co-facilitate groups for men who are struggling with their sexual behaviors, particularly around sex addiction or sexual compulsions. Unhealthy expressions of sexuality can manifest in affairs, porn addiction, paying for sex activities, or just general untethered promiscuity. Each of these are behaviors that can lead to shame, pain, loneliness, and broken relationships. In the more than 20 years since the Transformations program started, high-speed Internet has taken off and young men have been exposed to online pornography at an earlier age. This access, combined with a societal reluctance to talk about sex and sexuality encourages distorted beliefs that can have long-term effects on men and their relationships. Heystek and Mulder have seen the fall-out. And they work with men in crisis to pick up the pieces.
In this conversation with Revealing Men host, Randy Flood, psychotherapist and Director of the Men’s Resource Center, Heystek and Mulder talk about the importance of developing a healthy relationship with sex. And they reveal a bit of what takes place in men’s groups where men who come to them because of an addiction to sex or pornography are able to see themselves and their relationship to sex and sexuality in a whole new way. The interview offers a starting point for real conversations about sex as well as an opportunity and permission to seek help for behaviors that are taking the promise of intimacy and pleasure away. You can hear the conversation in its entirety on the Revealing Men podcast on Spotify, Stitcher, or Apple podcast.
Pornography and Distorted Beliefs About Sex and Sexuality
At the start of their conversation, Flood asks Heystek about the main issue for men who come into the Transformations program. Heystek sees pornography as one of the main problems for men coming into the program. “We’ve got all these guys who’ve been exposed to pornography and high-speed Internet for a long time,” he says. “Many men stay there but others escalate into chat rooms, escorts, infidelity. Some get into illegal images or in trouble with indecent exposure or other illegal stuff.” So, Flood asks, “What is it about pornography that teaches men erroneous or distorted beliefs about sexuality?” There are a number of things, says Mulder. Namely, pornography is a one-way interaction. It’s fantasy. The viewer is in control. There’s no vulnerability required.
Flood notes how men are socialized into non-relational sexuality; one that’s transactional, sensation-focused, and moves more toward conquest. Mulder and Heystek help men learn to look at sexuality in a different way. First, by developing emotional intimacy. “The goal is just to notice,” Mulder says. “What’s happening? What are you feeling physically, emotionally? A big part of what we do in group is learning to identify that. A more holistic idea. Just to become more aware of what’s happening and to be able to express it. Starting with your own awareness within yourself and then communicate that with other men.”
A Broader Understanding of Intimacy
Learning to communicate is part of developing a connection. And, connecting is part of sexuality. “What we do in group is not a separate thing,” explains Mulder. “It’s expanding our ideas of what sexuality is. It’s not just physical or a fantasy in your head. It’s not just a physical act. Intimacy is your whole body. Your thoughts. Your emotions.” “We’re trying to focus on vulnerability and connection to ourselves,” adds Heystek. “[Intimacy],” he says, “is like allowing myself to be seen. Allowing myself to be real. Allowing myself to be not just naked physically but naked emotionally, vulnerably.” He continues, “I think there’s a real connection between the lack of connection between men growing up—certainly I can identify with that. I had a lot of buddies but didn’t really have a deep intimacy with other guys. So then, how am I going to learn to do that with a partner if I haven’t practiced that?”
Flood reveals that he’s contemplated a book about men being “naked” with their emotions and relates that to the work being done in Heystek and Mulder’s groups. “In essence, men are getting naked with each other in the group in terms of revealing what’s going on inside of them. And teaching them that that’s part of what intimacy is besides this real narrow view that intimacy is sex, anatomy, sensation, and thrill. It’s a broadening.”
Finding Alternatives to Unhealthy Behaviors
Men who come for counseling with Mulder and Heystek are often in a space where sex has caused harm to themselves or others: “My sex has been a weapon, it’s been dangerous, it’s been untethered, it’s been hurtful.” Flood wonders if, after such an experience, men want to write off sex altogether. Mulder responds by saying that sexuality is not the problem. “We talk about this a lot in group. ‘Does this mean I need to shut everything down? Turn the faucet off?’ And, for some, that can be healthy for a time. We’ve been talking about masturbation. ‘Should I just not do that?’ For some, that could be helpful. For others, it’s different. It’s so different depending on where people are at.”
Flood suggests that there’s a time when, if sex has been untethered and destructive, there might be a need for tightening down and for boundaries. But the intent isn’t over-correction and repression. It’s understanding and adjustment. He notes that the goal of the program is “transformations toward a healthy sexuality, not transformations toward no sexuality.”
Heystek brings up the idea of pornography as a mood-altering type of disorder. “So,” he says, “part of what we talk with guys about is ‘well, if you’re trying to do something different, what else can you do in a healthy way to mood alter?’” The idea, he says, is to prevent relapse but to also get men to talk about their beliefs about sexuality and about themselves and the overall practices of their life. Do they work out? Go for walks? Play music?
“We haven’t had too many guys come in who say ‘well, I’ve decided to be totally abstinent from any sort of sexual activity for the next couple months,'” he says. “Some guys may do that on their own but we don’t hear a lot of that. It certainly is a lot about how can you start developing a healthier relationship to the gift of sexuality?”
How We Talk About Sex Matters
How we are taught to view sex is often dictated by the culture in which we are raised. Heystek begins: “When the message to young people is ‘we don’t really deal with this until you get married,’ that opens up a door to a lot of challenges.’” It leaves out an important discussion about values and leads young people to seek information from other sources. There’s also what Mulder refers to as the “light switch approach.” “We turn it off AND you’re married; we flip the switch and you should be able to talk about it and be comfortable. Right?! That doesn’t seem to be a reality.”
Flood asks how do we do better.
“First, by normalizing conversations about it,” Mulder says. “It’s a big part of what we do [in groups]. If we can talk about it, it’s in the open. Think of pleasure, sensuality. Of learning to celebrate those things. And treat them as gifts. And develop a sexual ethic that is more nuanced than the light-switch approach. Of course, it’s important. It’s pretty core to who we are. We’re sexual beings. You can’t turn that off. It’s part of what it is to be a person.”
Flood wonders “how do we build an ethic around how you can view sexuality and practice that in your life in an ethical way.” Mulder proposes a more holistic approach centered on consent. “Within consent, it’s not just what one person thinks, and wants, and desires. It’s a two-way street. Consent implies you have to be able to talk about it. It’s an agreement. So, I think, for a healthy, sexual ethic, baseline … there has to be consent.” You have to have a conversation, a dialogue. Negotiation. Agreements. Compromises. Heystek adds, “Kind of the sky’s the limit. If you’re able to, within consent, discuss it, agree, and all those other many factors are met. There’s so much freedom possible within that. But it’s when things can’t be talked about. [There are] secrets. They grow. And then those explosions happen and there are violations of trust.”
It’s hard to figure out what’s healthy and good for us on our own. We seek community input. Gather information on social media platforms and forums. Search for answers from peers and experts. Heystek says, “We don’t figure out what’s really healthy in isolation. We’re part of human communities. We’re social creatures.” He gives the example of food. “We’re inundated with all the possibilities that we can consume but how is it that people get to a healthy understanding for themselves? There are lots of different forums for talking about that. There might be all kinds of different ways that people feel safe to talk about food. Where everybody’s talking about food, right? Where are the forums to talk about sex?”
These conversations about sex – intimacy, care, respect, consent – happen in Heystek and Mulder’s groups.
Restoring Trust in Relationships
The men who take part in Mulder and Heystek’s groups are everyday guys. Typically, they’re in long-term marriages or committed relationships. Maybe they’ve had a way of functioning with some sexuality in their relationship or maybe there’s been some sexless marriages. But they’ve stayed together. They go to work. They’re nice guys. But they have a secret life. “And then,” Flood says, “it’s discovered.” What happens next? Is there hope for restoring the relationship?
The first step, Heystek and Mulder say is to restore trust. “It’s a very common thing to be working through [in group],” Mulder says. “Often, it’s a hard position to be in for a lot of these men who have done something that’s led to the breach in trust.” And although they want to fix things as quickly as possible, it doesn’t often happen that way. The journey back to trust, explains Mulder, is a couple different journeys. “Usually in group, it’s the guy working on becoming trustworthy and their partner working through their own journey of healing and figuring out what that looks like.”
Flood says, “[Partners] have this distrust that they’re actually engaged: ‘Are you with me?’ And even though there’s sexuality happening in the marriage, there’s still a worry that there’s an affair of the mind going on. And they want to know that you’re present.” It’s helpful that, in many instances, men going through treatment are also engaged in marital counseling with the Men’s Resource Center.
Shame Gets in the Way of Recovery
Shame is one of the biggest challenges for the men in Heystek and Mulder’s groups. “I think for a lot of men,” Heystek says, ‘their sexual acting-out or the sex addiction develops into a way of not feeling shame. Or it’s the medication for the shame when it occurs.” The shame and acting-out end up feeding each other. The power of the group, he says, is that “men recognize that rather than going to my ’go-to’ which is really going to be a ticket for more shame, I can start learning to connect with others. I’m going to show up to group tonight and actually talk about what I did yesterday rather than not show up to group and feel bad about what I did yesterday and then use that as a ticket to go do it some more.”
Heystek contends that shame is not the friend of recovery. “Vulnerability, honesty, connection, and support from others – that’s what helps men heal.”
Mulder brings up the idea of invitation and gratitude. “It’s fairly common,” he says, “that a ways into the journey, a guy will reflect and there’s actually some gratitude for what happened. For being found out. For things blowing up. Because there was an invitation to do something different. To rebuild and say ‘neither of us were getting what we wanted and needed.’” Flood says it’s a conversation he’s had with clients before: “You’re not going to believe this right now but it’s possible that you can look at this problem as a gift. And that you’re going to be more healthy and have a deeper intimate relationship, a healthier relationship with your sexuality …because you’re going to be doing some work looking at this, deconstructing it, reconstructing it, and it’s going to be better.”
It’s through the group experience, Heystek says, that men can begin to make peace with themselves and develop a deeper sense of acceptance. “And that then helps them see the gift of their problem that brought them in the door … it became an opportunity, a door to a transformed understanding of themselves. ‘I do have feelings, I am vulnerable, I can talk about my hurt. And there are other men who can do that.’ And that that work can be what helps them have a better relationship. That the vehicle to having a better relationship isn’t just going to couple’s counseling. It’s to work on your own, making peace with yourself. And that’s a lot of what we see going on in these groups.”
Develop a Healthy Relationship with Sex
Early in this conversation, Flood dispels the binary thinking that gratuitous sex and pornography are where all the fun and adventure are: “Relational sexuality can be sensual, erotic, fun, and adventurous.” The ultimate goal for Mulder, Heystek, and Flood is that men establish a healthy connection with themselves and others. A connection that includes celebrating the gift of sexuality within committed and consensual relationships.
If you are dealing with issues related to sex and porn addiction, contact the Men’s Resource Center online or at (616) 456-1178 for information about online coaching and counseling for sex addiction and in-person counseling and therapy programs including Transformations Toward a Healthy Sexuality, the comprehensive sex and pornography addiction treatment program. The program includes psycho-education, support, and psychotherapy groups, in addition to providing education, guidance, and counseling for partners, children, and other family members of men who need help for sex and pornography addiction.
Feel free to reach out if you have questions about this segment, ideas for a topic, or would like to be a guest on the Revealing Men podcast.
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