During the often stressful process of separation and divorce, children can distance themselves physically and emotionally from one parent or the other. Families experiencing parental alienation are some of the most difficult families to work with in these situations because of the nature of reject and refuse dynamics (RRDs). On one end of the continuum, children may legitimately reject a parent and refuse parenting time due to the presence of abuse or neglect. On the other end are situations in which a parent is rejected, seemingly without warrant. Because the impact of parental alienation can be devastating and have a lasting effect on families, some courts now recommend reunification counseling.
The excerpts below are taken from a conversation with attorneys Connie Thacker and Allison Sleight. Randy Flood, Director of the Men’s Resource Center and an evaluator at the Fountain Hill Center for Counseling and Consultation, describes the reunification counseling process when RRDs are present and the important role attorneys and the courts can have in facilitating successful results. A custody and parenting-time evaluator for the courts since 1992, Flood has also spoken with Thacker-Sleight about the custody evaluation process and domestic violence assessments.
Court-ordered Reunification Counseling
Thacker: Why don’t you give us a little bit of insight of what really is reunification…what are we trying to reunify and what does that all mean?
Flood: When reunification counseling is ordered, usually there’s a reject and refuse dynamic that’s happening. The children are, for legitimate reasons, not wanting to be around a parent who has been proven to be ineffective, incompetent, abusive, neglectful, having a significant substance abuse problem, mental health issues. The children have, in their experience of that incompetency, pulled away from that parent and the courts have become aware of that. That’s one situation where children are rejecting and refusing.
The other side of that is when there’s an alienation dynamic. And that’s when a child for invalid reasons, unfounded reasons, is rejecting a good enough parent. Where there has been a base rate relationship prior to the divorce, where the children have a reasonable relationship with the father or mother and then in the stress of the divorce the child is rejecting a parent.
The Role of a Court Order
Sleight: How important is the court order and what are the contents you like to see in the court order for reunification?
Flood: Well, when reunification counseling is ordered, it’s important that everybody is given directives as to what to expect and the authority that the reunification counselor has. And, particularly what’s important is that the judicial oversight is a part of that order. As we proceed in the reunification, it’s fairly common that you’re going to get resistance from a parent or the children in not proceeding with the next steps of the reunification process. …And then sometimes we have to go back before the judge.
Thacker: Which is really an accountability issue, right? We need the court to hold the parties accountable for participation in the process. How does the process start? What’s the protocol?
Flood: Usually, a good reunification referral, before it comes to me, there’s been some type of an evaluation process that has determined what is going on: Is it an alienation case or is it an estrangement case? There’s been a diagnostic kind of clarification about what are the dynamics, so I know, as a reunification therapist, what I’m working with. And that is really, really important to have that diagnostic prior to it.
Complications in Reunification
Thacker: What are some of the complications that you see in some of these cases with kids who just don’t even want to participate in the process. I mean, what do we do? How do you change their psyche to turn it back around to say “o.k., now I do want to spend time with this parent because generally what the sabotaging parent has been telling me for all these years isn’t true.”
Flood: One of the best things for courts to do is to act quickly in these cases because the longer a child is in a situation where their mind’s being poisoned, or the well is being poisoned, toward the other parent, the more difficult it is to reunify the families. So it’s really important for the courts to be expeditious in getting these cases to us before it goes on too long.
Sleight: And how long does the process go on. I mean at what point to you make that evaluation of where do we go from here?
Flood: These cases can have quite a shelf life. I’ve worked cases up to a year-and-a-half to two years. But you know if you get them early in the process…I’ve had cases where we’ve had successful reunification within three to six months.
Support for the “Unfavored” Parent
Flood: If you have a child rejecting a parent for illegitimate reasons, then one of the complications is the defensiveness and the hurt that a rejected parent experiences and then their reactivity to that becomes problematic. A lot of times, if you’re working with a rejected parent they require a lot of support, coaching, counseling.
Those of us who have children can maybe imagine what it’s like to have this flesh and blood that you’ve loved and you’ve had this incredible attachment with all of a sudden this kid’s coming to you and says “I hate you,” “I want nothing to do with you,” and “I don’t want to be with you,” “Wish you were dead,” … And this is devastating to a parent and in that hurt and pain they sometimes get reactive and then they come across to the professionals involved as an angry parent and they play into the hand of the alienating parent.
Levels of Reunification Counseling
Sleight: Are there different levels of intensity of the reunification therapy?
Flood: The cases where the kids haven’t marinated in this kind of reject and refuse dynamic and they can more expeditiously get to us, those cases can respond to out-patient treatment where you’re doing like weekly sessions and maybe some traditional talk therapy and getting them involved, getting reacquainted with a parent. The ones that are more severe cases tend to not respond well to talk therapy and we have to use more intensive services and those tend to be more experiential.
Thacker: What do you mean by that?
Flood: Getting them out of their heads. And getting them out of their narrative of kind of “my parents are all bad, they’re terrible, there’s nothing good about them.” And getting them into experiences with their parent that can awaken that preexisting attachment that they had that was good.
Reunification Takes Teamwork
Thacker: So, with the reunification is there usually a team associated with it. Because some of the cases I’ve seen, you know we have a therapist for Mom, a therapist for Dad, a therapist for the kids. I mean how does that usually work in sort of the team approach.
Flood: Oftentimes reunification therapy can be so complicated and difficult that you want to work as a team. And so we have, for example, Amy Van Gunst and myself will often work together and then Tracy Thompson will be working in the corral with us as the equine specialist. And sometimes the children will have their own therapist as well. And then we’ll be coordinating with the therapist and working together collaboratively.
Thacker: I see some judges and some lawyers who say, “well I don’t want to put it all in one warehouse” so to speak. One building where all the therapists are together. But my experience has been that’s been really beneficial. And, I’ve often seen times where the team doesn’t always agree, right? And the team challenges each other in terms of “what’s really going on here?” trying to understand it.
Flood: Right. We argue with each other. We’re in a location where we can have the chance to argue with each other. Just because you assume that because a professional’s 10 miles away in another office, you’re not going to collude with that person, or not have a group-think process? You’re collegial. This just gives us a chance to work with each other and challenge each other in our meetings about what we’re seeing.
For example, a therapist working with an abuser who was abusive to the children and to the co-parent goes into some type of counseling and the counselor says well he or she is making all kinds of great steps in counseling. Then the parent coordinator can say “well, it’s not showing up in parent coordination because he’s still being abusive and calling her names. He might be a good student in your group but he’s not making actual changes.” So that coordination with each other can be helpful in cases like that.
Reunification and the Litigation Process
Thacker: What impact does litigation have on the process?
Flood: Well, I think it’s mixed. The judicial oversight can be really helpful. … But sometimes attorneys can get into your litigious paradigm and then that can be problematic for this more conciliation process of moving things forward and holding parents accountable. Trying to help facilitate this reunification process can be helpful if we work together as a team.
Thacker: And so it seems to me that it’s really important for clients to have lawyers that understand the reunification process and then hire the therapists who’ve done reunification before. You can’t just go out and willy-nilly pick some therapist off the list and say we’re going to send this reunification case off to them. They need to have been involved in them and doing them and sort of know what they’re doing.
Flood: Right. It’s really important to be working with therapists who understand those dynamics and are trained in it otherwise they can unwittingly do more harm.
Feel free to contact Randy Flood at the Men’s Resource Center for more information about family court evaluation and counseling services, including reunification counseling.
I am the targeted parent of parental alienation. I have 2 children,2 years apart. The ONLY child who is now refusing to speak to me, or see me, is the child that was dragged into this abusive system.
I have been in reunification therapy for 2 months and forced to spend $2,000…for absolutely nothing.
The reason why reunification therapy fails, is because the system is focused in the wrong area. They put all the responsibility on the child, as opposed to working with both parents, in therapy, to restore parenting time. Reunification therapy is nothing but extortion. It is experiential, and has never demonstrated consistent results, which is why insurance companies won’t cover it. It takes ALL the authority out of good parents who are victims already, of alienation, and places it at the hands of for profit professionals who do nothing but drag out this abusive painful process, for greed. I have never met a more dishonest and unethical group of people in my life– They are not helping families, or children– they are exploiting them.
Tess: Sorry to hear about your reunification counseling experience. I agree that some reunification protocols are designed to fail because the treatment plan is erroneously focused and it doesn’t have judicial oversight for accountability. It also sometimes doesn’t work because it is traditional outpatient counseling once a week while the children remain in the custodial care of the alienating parent and only seeing the targeted parent during reunification counseling in some cases, or minimally otherwise.
As in any industry, there are untrained and inferior professionals practicing poorly or unethically. When addressing parental alienation dynamics, it is especially critical to be working with highly trained professionals with judicial oversight, and it can be effective. I have experienced it as a clinician and heard from colleagues about successes as well. I hope you find the help you deserve and need for your family.
Great article!
However, I agree with the previous comment 100%. That is exactly what is happening in my case at this moment. I have being forced to use different strategies ( including firing lawyers, this is my third lawyer) and learn on my own to figure out the best course of action. I’m getting ready for the worst outcome, which it will be loosing my only daughter.
It’s really disappointing mainly because we are expecting support from the family court system and that never comes. It’s not one factor, there are many.
Reunification therapy has failed in my case so far,
I realize that one of the first principles is ignored-the family as a foundational base and the hierarchy in the roles, which it is being ignored and it causes the disintegration of the family.
I found this article to be very helpful and extremely informative. Although we have just started the process of reunification therapy, I feel that it will give the best possible outcome for my child.
The therapist he has is very experienced, and very familiar with reunification therapy. She often works with foster children who need to be reunited with their parents, if they can.
I am the parent with primary custody, and I honestly think that the therapist is doing what’s in the best interest of my child due to the circumstances.
My son has been through a lot because of the other parent, and I fully trust the therapist with her recommendations. I am very happy with her, and no matter the outcome we’ll continue to have my son see her.
Jessie: I’m glad you have a reunification therapist you’re working with that you trust. It sounds like the reunification counseling process is addressing an estrangement dynamic rather than a parental alienation dynamic. Typically, reunification counseling is much more successful when working with the estrangement dynamic in terms of a child experiencing a history of abuse or neglect from a parent as long as said parent has been effectively rehabilitated and it is safe for the child to reunify. Children tend to have a natural curiosity and desire to reconcile with parents, while in parental alienation that natural curiosity and desire has been adulterated, and sometimes eradicated by an alienating parent. As such, the efforts by the reunfication therapists are fleeting if the child returns to any unaddressed and ongoing alienation dynamic. In other words, for the reunification process to have success the alienation dynamics has to be addressed and resolved, then the alienated child can more successfully reunite with the target parent. I hope your counseling process continues to be successful, thanks for sharing your story of hope.
What about the child? These comments are mentioning alienation, however, in my case the other parent caused the child to be sexually abused while in her care by her boyfriend, she told the child he was lying about the abuse although much evidence was presented in the court. She was given supervised visitation, never exercised it, abandoned the child, and the visits by leaving the state. Five years have passed because she is no longer with the abuser but she had a child with him and married another man with who they have other kids. Now, she wants reunification! The child is being forced to speak to her via video conferencing. The child is now suffering anxiety attacks, cannot focus on his school and life which he excelled in prior to her returning to the picture. This is grossly unjust. Really what is in the best interest of the child here? What is your advice for me?
Arnold: You speak to the reality that reunification can be court-ordered both for estrangement and alienation dynamics. This is a delicate and dynamic process that needs to be done by a trained professional with experience in this area. I can not provide specific advise for you as this is outside the scope of writing articles and providing a place for reader commentary. Please note that I provide coaching and consultation in family court matters. I wish you and your son the best.
What about when the alienating parent isn’t safe for the targeted parent? The reason they are in a divorce is the narcissist, alienating behavior? When the alienating parent has used everything in marital counseling against the targeted parent? How is this even safe, mentally, emotionally, and relationally? The other parent wants to alienate the targeted parent. I’m trying anger counseling for my children and it’s already being used against me that “I’m forcing them” when the other parent says to the counselor they support it but then tells the child I’m the one forcing them. Then the counselor says it’s bad for our relationship to make them do counseling for their violent, disruptive, angry behavior?
JM: Maybe the counselor is saying that only treating your children for anger problems, rather than working to relieve them of an alienation dynamic isn’t good for your relationship. I don’t know. I would ask more questions from the counselor and hopefully, he/she can provide you with good and sound advice for you to address the concerns observed and noted. Finally, it is common for alienated children to respond with anger and oppositional defiance toward the targeted parent. While the children need to learn better coping and adaptation skills, they ultimately need to be protected from high conflict, and alienation dynamics.
My stepdaughter is being emotionally and verbally abused by her stepdad and has pulled a boundary and refused to be in the other home. The mother is now demanding reunification therapy when all she really wants to do is demand her 50/50 rights and try and force the child to live in an abusive home all while claiming alienation. How do you control for abusive, toxic homes and that is why the child is 12 and refusing to return??
Lorraine: I will not engage in doing reunification counseling until the court or an evaluator has concluded or opined as to the cause of the resist and refuse dynamics (RRD’s). Sometimes a child can resist and reject an abusive and neglectful parent and that is called an estrangement case, while a child resisting and refusing an average range parent, is called alienation. The treatment plans for estrangement vs. alienation are markedly different, hence the importance of a differential diagnosis.
So even when the parent is abusive they do therapy to essentially literally coach the child into loving the abuse or else from my over all finding on this topic. The abusers right dominate child well being and safty. Bc every time I go thru what reunification and even estrangement therapy is is trying to convince the child they are crazy aka gaslight them telling them they are not valid and the abuser is and they will have to submit to the transition or else type mentalities. I have read in older version of the same therapy they would remove survival needs and o ly allow the abusive parent to provide them to force a trusting bond. They would even eliminate the protective parent and make the child live with the abuser full time for month with no contact to the protective parent also just telling them that there entire experince is false and no one is allowed to be mad about it they just have to accept it or else continue. Don’t you think abusers know they are abusers and will just keep working at the act. What do you do when the child has been brainwashed and accepts the abusers abuse knowing there is no help and the child wants to commit suicide do you ignore that and blame the child too? They already know theybhave no voice and not allow3d to seek help it’s not likly for them to feel safe in seeking help again. I know it relines the pockes of the next generation of therapist cause a slue of mental health issues they will be excited to reignite and invalidate for a second round also more likly to have that child place another child into an abusive situation knowing there is no help or aid and just accepting bare minimum for themselves as that has been demonstrated as there worth and valuem its prett6 damn sad an animal has more freedom and ability to survive than a human child.
Rebecca: Reunification Counseling can be used in cases along the spectrum of estrangement/abuse to parental alienation. In order for Reunification Counseling to be safe, timely, and effective, the family needs to be properly assessed for the reasons you state. If there is not diagnostic clarification, the counselor is at risk of developing a faulty treatment plan that can put children and parents at risk. Also, in abuse and domestic violence cases, you don’t want to begin counseling until the perpetrator has been properly rehabilitated. In parental alienation cases, the children will naturally resist and refuse reunification counseling because of the psychological abuse they received from the alienating parent and as a result have an encapsulated delusional belief system about a safe and good parent they are unduly rejecting. There are many procedures in the medical and mental health field that have inherent risks, but yet, need to be performed to save lives, relationships, and families. We must do our due diligence to properly assess individual and families to make sure the treatment we chose to help is indicated not contraindicated. While there are unethical treatment providers, it is unfair to suggest that those of us who provide important and specialized services, such as reunification counseling, are only in it for the money. Most of us just desire to get paid professional services for important work to help families.
I haven’t seen any comments on this for awhile. Hoping for some feedback. Mr. Flood, My daughter has been in reunification therapy for four months now. After the past session my daughter left the session in tears and insisted on never going back. The process got to the point at 2 months in where my daughter wanted to do reunification (not prior wanting to) but did not want to continue with the reunification therapist. Now we are stuck where my daughter feels both the reunification therapist and her dad can’t be trusted. My daughter’s individual therapist assessed the situation and reached out to the reunification therapist. I was left out and not knowledgeable as to why my daughter’s therapist was concerned about my daughter’s well-being in regards to how the reunification therapy was going. My daughter’s individual therapist wanted to advocate. But doing so by bypassing me and contacting my attorney. Regardless – I contacted my attorney because I was already aware my daughter no longer wanted to attend reunification therapy. Because she told me after a session when she left the session crying and said I am never coming back here before getting on the elevator. My attorney mentioned she could not be involved in the therapy process and if my daughter’s therapist contacted her that that would have me involved. Yet, my daughter’s individual therapist did not want to involve me. I think the reason for that is that my daughter’s father has had substance abuse issues for years, yet it never reached a point where he endangered our daughter. He has also had anger issues, direct alienation, lack of parenting skills and much more. He has driven with my daughter under the influence and other things that have scared my daughter. I was able to successfully get my daughter out of his care. Yet, I was accused of indirect alienation as a result of how my daughter feels about her father. Hence, why my daughter’s therapist doesn’t want me involved because this continues to be the focus of the reunification therapy. I know this continues to be why there hasn’t been progress instead reunification therapy is failing. My daugher’s last comment in reunifcation therapy was after her dad blamed me for the status of their relationship was “everyone wants to blame my mom” what about my feelings? This is how I feel. She is done with this. I have decided to respect my daughter’s wishes as I have been seeing behavior issues in her these past few weeks. I know this is too much for a child. I trust how my daughter feels. I know that there are going to be issues with this in the judicial process but when is enough a enough and the child can decide. She is 10 years old and can express herself clearly.
Peggy: If this is court ordered, then it would behoove you to support it, and let the court order reunification therapist make decisions regarding next steps with your daughter. It is very common for children to not want to engage in this type of therapy, or to want to end it after difficult sessions. Usually the communication among professionals and parents is spelled out in the court order so everyone is clear about roles and any conflict of interests. While a 10 year old is able to share her feelings and thoughts and those need to be considered, they are minors and are not in a position to be an authority on their lives. For example, children can’t quit school at 10 years old, nor can they runaway from home and stay with friends or non-custodial family. The family court has the authority to hear from professionals and parents and make decisions in the best interests of the children. I recommend working with your attorney so that you can cooperate with this process in an appropriate fashion, and not be at risk of being deemed an obstructive gatekeeper for your child, or involved in some alienation dynamic. There are alienation and estrangement dynamics in resist and refuse dynamics and you identify a history of estrangement dynamics with her father, but the court will want to make sure a reunfication or rehabilitation process is available and used, prior to terminating or significantly limiting a parent’s rights and role in a child’s life. I wish you the best in this delicate process.
Randy,
I allowed this to play out. The reunification therapist recommended Modified Supervised Parenting time. This is where a Supervisor is used for a Safe Exchange to address readiness of child before each visit and debrief after each visit. The first two modified supervised visits went okay. The third visit the parent was very irritable- got angry about the child’s individual therapist in front of the child. Therefore upon seeing her father’s car at the forth visit the child became very anxious. Then refused the visit. Per court order and supervisor contract the child has the right to decline the visit. Parent was notified visitation was not going to happen. Parent responded too bad and stalked the child and supervisor refusing to leave. Parent ended up abducting child. Supervisor ran after and was able to free child. Child is now traumatized and is feeling even more like her relationship with parent continues to get worse and not better. Blaming the reunification therapist for not listening to them. What should a reunification therapist recommended now?
Peggy: I am not in a position to make specific recommendations on a case I am not involved in as a counselor, evaluator or minimally a hired expert consultant on the case. I recommend you work with the professionals involved in your case.
Randy,
We teach children about stranger danger; we encourage them to tell someone when someone has hurt them, yet when it’s a parent who has abused them, they are gagged and are denied their feelings and need for safety. Of course, lawyers have weaponized the term “Parental alienation” to help abusive parents regain control.
Parental alienation is not a legitimate term, but reunification therapists like yourself benefit financially from claiming its existence.
Ezsme: Sadly, I believe you may be stuck in zero sum framing of reunification therapy. Reunification therapy is contraindicated in cases of domestic violence where the perpetrator has not been accountable and successfully completed specialized domestic abuse group and individual treatment, such as offered here at Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan. On the other hand, parental alienation has been recognized by multiple professional organizations and been admitted into thousands of courts across the country as a legitimate family abuse problem that causes psychological damage to children and erases moms and dads who have been assessed as fit parents or minimally average range parents. Just because it isn’t in the DSM–a manual for individual psychiatric disorders, rather than interrelated multidimensional diagnoses. Did you know that domestic violence isn’t in the DSM either? It is in the V codes similar to the V codes uses for parental alienation such as parent -child relationship problem or psychological abuse of children. I encourage you to read this article and this one too, particularly the hundreds of comments by targeted parents of alienation. If these heartfelt and sad accounts don’t cut deep into your heart in recognizing this form of family abuse, then I don’t know what will. We know that mistakes are made in both directions with false positives of parental alienation when it is domestic violence, and false positives of domestic violence when it is parental alienation. We also know that criminals will plead insanity to avoid accountability, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t mental illness, just not true in that case, but used as a ruse to avoid accountability. The same happens in family court. That’s why we need good evaluations to get to the root issues in each case to protect the best interests of children. If you truly want to fight for victims of abuse, then please read up on Resist and Refuse Dynamics in Parent Child Contact Problems, and find out how the most of the professional community–outside the ones spreading misinformation–work diligently to protect families from both domestic violence and child abuse from estrangement and the psychological and relational abuse found in parental alienation. It’s easy to be a blind advocate for one side, but it is more scientifically sound, and greater advocacy for children and families to address all forms of family abuse–even the ones used falsely as a defense to avoid accountability for their abusive behaviors.
I live in Arizona and I have interviewed or vetted over 100 therapists in my town for reunification therapy. It seems the few who do/did the therapy are stopping, have very long waiting lists or really don’t welcome a court’s involvement. The court offered nothing more than ordering the therapy and has refused to clarify or provide any guidance. Do I need to find an alternative like Family Therapy for the reunification therapy? There are elements of alienation present in my case. My ex wife has used the language of the divorce decree to halt any progress. The decree calls for “reunification therapy”. Although the TI believes we should proceed with the therapy, even with a Family Therapist believing we have more of a problem with co-parenting than alienation. I’m inclined to proceed with a Family Therapist since it’s been 3 years since the therapy was ordered and the damage may already be done. It may be the best we can do at this point.
Michael: It is less important what you call it, and more important that it is designed to address the issues by a trained therapist who understands the dynamics inherent in your case. I think getting started with a reunification or family therapist who can help and who isn’t opposed to interacting and communicating with the court. If zoom therapy is a possibility, then you can seek services from therapists outside your region. For example, we have done reunification therapy via ZOOM, but it needs to be approved by the court and/or clients and it needs to be appropriate for the case in terms of factors such as working with older and verbal children, and the alienation is not severe, but milder to moderate. I wish you the best.
I am being forced into reintegration therapy with my father, even though in my state I’m old enough to refuse. I’ve given legitimate reasons about schedule conflicts and other negative effects on my life other than just problems with my father. What are my rights and what do I do?
Isabella: I can’t give advice to you in this forum. I wish you the best and hope you have a counselor you are able to talk these things out with. I wish you the best.