As humans, we often think categorically to create order. Otherwise, all thinking would be novel and laborious. Once categories are solidified, we carry anchor biases and struggle to think of competing truths. For instance, in the case of domestic violence, we think of male offenders and female victims. But, the great Danish physicist, Neils Bohr postulated that the opposite of one profound truth may be another profound truth, rather than a falsehood. This thinking style is required to hold onto the fact that males can be abusers and also that males can be victims of domestic violence.

Male victims are often misunderstood in uniquely gendered ways as well as universal ways for domestic violence victims. One of the more common struggles male victims are plagued with in heterosexual relationships is the question of why they allowed the abuse to happen when they are often bigger and stronger than their female perpetrator. Or they fear disclosing what is happening for fear that others may consider them a weak male for tolerating the abuse and not escaping it.

Jim knows the challenges well. He first appeared on the Revealing Men podcast for a poignant conversation with Randy Flood about his experience as a survivor of domestic abuse. With some time passed, he revisited that experience on The Shake Up with Dr. Kit. Jim’s is a powerful story of love, abuse, recovery, and survival.  Most importantly, it offers hope to other male victims of abuse.

Going Against the Stereotypes

Zach Flood, a therapist with the Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan, says that in his work with male abusers, “they might not admit what they’re doing is wrong but they don’t really have any trouble admitting what they’ve done. It sort of fits into a power and control dynamic.” Contrast that with men who have been or are being abused.  “It goes against a lot of the archetypes and a lot of the definitions of what they think they’re supposed to be [as males],” he says. “It’s even harder to talk about because they have to admit that what they’ve experienced goes against how they define themselves or think of themselves as men. It’s a really challenging place to be.”

The Barriers Male Victims Face

Many male victims of domestic violence face the challenge of societal or internal beliefs about manhood, the risk of not being believed, and the fear of experiencing shame. There are questions such as how can a professional, educated man be the victim of domestic abuse? Why didn’t he just put his abuser in their place? Maybe he should just “man up” and take it.  Or, perhaps it’s a pattern he’s all too familiar with from childhood. Any of these can make it hard for a man to first acknowledge what’s happening to himself and then to seek help.

The difficulty for men in identifying themselves as victims of domestic violence is made more complicated by the reality that men who abuse often claim they are victims to obfuscate their abusive behavior. Tragically, male victims fear being miscategorized as an abuser by merely disclosing their victimization. This is an unfortunate double bind for male victims, and it contributes to their silence in coming out.

It Takes Courage to Seek Help

Many of the men Zach works with are reluctant to even begin the conversation. “I start asking about feelings and vulnerability,” he says, “Going to the places they don’t want to go.” It’s a difficult thing for men to be open and vulnerable.  Historically, they’ve been socialized to think independence and individualism are the ultimate traits of masculinity.

“I think the definition of strength and courage is going to these places,” says Zach. “I challenge everyone to come and do the work because no one’s going to do it for you.”  He adds that the work of recovery and healing is placed on the victim. Which is why being able to find individual counseling and support groups in a safe space is so important. It’s imperative for male victims of domestic abuse to not feel alone.

Finding Yourself Again

“This is scary stuff. This is hard work. But it’s just about taking that first step,” Zach says. “And I promise that we’re here with open arms.” The specialized services provided by the Men’s Resource Center are structured to assist men as they face the challenges and struggles relative to the unique and complex responses to the trauma of domestic abuse. The goal is to help men not only recover but reclaim themselves and their lives. You can learn more about the support group experience in this Revealing Men podcast.

In addition to in-person counseling and domestic violence support groups, the Men’s Resource Center provides an online domestic abuse counseling option as well as an online men’s support group for men who can’t access its services in person or who prefer the comfort and convenience of their own space. Each program is facilitated by highly-trained, licensed counselors. For more information, contact the Men’s Resource Center online or call (616) 456-1178.